I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
