Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
