Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
