I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
