Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
