12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
