I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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