Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
