theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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