tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
