I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
