Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
