And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
