I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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