my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
