My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
