we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
