I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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