gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
