My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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