i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
