I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize