Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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