what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
