if you like me you must not know who I am
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
