I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
