drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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