Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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