chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
