no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
