Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
