i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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