i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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