He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
