she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
