My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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