I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
