Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
