I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
