He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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