my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
