hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
In other news, I just burned my penis
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
A bitchslap is in order.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
