God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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