Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
