my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
