that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
