I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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