the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Did I show you my penis last night?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
