i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
