I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
