So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
