life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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