either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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